Sitting in my room on my bed. My legs straightened, back supported by pillow and my Mac on my lap. The room is not small, not even by western house standards but it feels small. The double bed covers majority of it, about 50%. Rest is covered with in-room closet, dresser and another almirah used by my father.
The room is fairly lit. It has a window tall enough & wide enough but the room itself is partiontioned out of larger enclosed space in the house so there is no real ventilation. No direct source of sunlight on fresh air. It always smells of....... me. I spend almost all of my time in this room. Walls are bleak, barren of any art, painted in pink & ceiling in deep pink.. It looks pretty at first but it gets depressing very quickly. the room has an A-C to exchange heat and smelly air with cold & fresh air but first expensive enough so as not to run it continously & second, can only use it during summers. The room is not disgusting, dirty or unorganized in any way. It gets cleaned daily. but the very fact not much thought was put into it while designing or creating about the person who would be occupying it. Clearly, no boy would want to live in a all pink bedroom all day long whole year.growing up in a middle class family in Northern India, I should be 'grateful that I he a roof over myheaad. I agree but..... what is a man if not a bottomless pit of desires for better & more..I've lived in this room for almost half my life now. 15 years. Only excluding the years, I left for college (in which I used to visit about twice a month) & work for 1 year before the' pandemic' hit.One of the reasons, I never really grew up as I spent almost all my life post childhood away from the ugliness & chaos of the outer world, in a • safe space".Contrary to my folks best intentions, it left me impaired with social anxiety, especially after 2020.Get up late, get ready for the day," work from home all day", eat with what little apettite I can, drink tea 5 times a day to cope with stress generated at work, causing crew more strees, bing watching Youtube videos, play videogames on phone at the prime years of my life when I could be building my own self making" friends", having a relationship, (even if a temporary one, just to know the touch of a woman other than my old mother).But, hey, at least I earn twice as much as my "friends" , and I saved almost all the income I earned these past few years. I guess I can retire early. Only if working frame didn't require any social skills, to negotiate & deal with obnoxious, rude & dominating people over the teams calls where they are "one call away" from getting into your head through your headphones over you can..Outside the room, there is another world, which is owned by my OCD mother. Again, its not ugly but just too much. too much drama, stress, shouting, nonsense. feels like a jail, where the jailer is the biggest offender, biggest victim, the judge, the jury and the executioner. We are just in to watch a never ending horsor show but its real.Imagine living with a person who probably belongs to a mental asylum or at least under careful supervision of doctors where they cannot harm others or themselves. But that person is your mother & she can't survive a day outside of her carefully crafted" home!Outside the house, there is actually some "beauty". Beauty of nature. Some plants, flowers in pots.Our house is at the end of a straight street. There aren't any houses next to ours. So, I get to enjoy the serene openness of the"real world' out of my meaningless evidence every once in a while.Although, there is no legitimate reason as why not to enjoy the pleasant atmosphere any time of the day, but, the irony of living in the modern world is, a person doesn't ever get time to sit still for 15 mins in his own mini-garden in front of his own house, cause he has stuff to take care of, despite all the automation & progress we've made as a species. More automation frees up time, to 'do'more stuff., so now you! apparently being more productive" & yet surival is getting harder with each passing year. Technology is not to blame here, neither are feosler, nor is govt.The entire premise of organizing society as a factory to produce goods & provide services, for each other & to one another respectively, creates an ecosystem of dependence where an individual cannot sure without partripating in the overall machine, exploiting the Earth ofits rich minerals, plants, trees, animals & human beings, as resources. All so that a handful of us can become & remain exorbitantly rich forever exuding their absolute power over the rest of us plebs, cogs in the wheel.All cities suck. Jungles of concrete, mania and chaos of people running back-n-forth trying their best to survive, some more than others.There is no beauty to be found in such a greedy & lustful system. True beauty can only be found in love. When it's selfless, void of any animalistic basic desires to consume, dominate & survive.Even animals are capable of love but do they remain so at that moment when they are expressing love.Love is not a base desire of a living being. It's the epitome of being in the first place. Imagine a female lioness, covering her obs gently by her tongue. Her sharp teeth can even pierce a lion's thick skin but she carefully picks them up one by one & crosses the siren. You can tell in that moment, its not an animal doing just basic animalistic hedonistic act. It's an act of love. Act of deliberation, patience with restless cubs, resilience against the odds of her species survival or extinction which rests on her gruesome and deadly teeth, courage in the face of adversity, and the most sacred of them all, her motherhood, the most divine act only a god can perform.. To be able to mate with a beast, endure and bear the pain & suffering of carrying the fur in her womb for months, time which is meaningless for the beast but for the "originator' an eternity, to bring forth the majestic might of the nature to maitain order in the chaos of existence. The dichotomy of beauty of another's, sacrifice, persevence and love for surival & continuation of wheel of life against the absolutely horrid & brutal reality of existence where the cane creature brought out of such selfless and sacred act is capable of doing such monstrosity without blinking. The lustful glare that drips from the eyes of this duil for blood is frighening even to his own kin. He doesn't shy away from murdering & eating the newborns of his own kind, just so he can conceive & advance his own seed as the nature demands only the best and the most brutal beast to maintain order.It's worth remarking a few points here-1. flow come such a heinous act of dominating,subjugating & forcing the act of creation uprow a goddess of creation brings about any good?2. Is this the truth of the entire existence ofthe uninese, survival, in any way? So, that the show must go on, we know as life.3- flow can such a primal, mindless, brutalact of impregnating a lioness right after murdering her offsprings, leaving her on herself for food, protection, nature & care, can lead to the birth of such beautifullife only to be revealed later in its full glory as evil.?Perhaps, good & evil does not exist in thelaws of the nature. We, humans, have concoted these artifical and complex intellectual nonsense. Nature is rudimentary. It doesn't require a degree with 16 years of education and an constant source of income so that we can feel good aboutourselves, certain of our future having secured our existence as a species & indulge in mind lees acts of lust, greed & vanity.Even the beast is capable of thought, as not to kill his own offspring in the intoxication of abpolate power he enjoys in his dominion. He doesn't harm the originator, the creator, the protector and above all the "mother of existence". As, he knows, he cannot kill the creator, for there will be no beast to maintain the order in the chaos, and the imbalance will cause the extinction of everything If his forefathers did that he wouldn't be here and enjoying his place in the food chain. He owes it. to his future generations to look up to him and maintain the order by brutal force just like he did and his ancestors did. He's just doing his role as a maintainer & destroyer of existence. It may seem like his role is fun as he's absolved from the protection, nurturing and care of his mate & offsprings but, he needs to survive all by himself. From the day, he was born til the day he dies, hestands alone. The creator can only protect him for so long and only so much as its not her role. It's her sacrifice, after all she went through, she has to be the " evil" one to chase him away at such a tender age, when he's still young and non-threatening to the beast. The beast will spare no-one, not even his own child if they come in his way of duty. From, an early age, he had to learn how to survive by himself, hunt, spend his youth alone, fighting his kind, other kinds, cause he knows he needs to prove himself to the nature that he's the one. He'll be the true beast who fears no one and whom shall be feared, respected & revered including the nature, the creator. When the time comes, the transformation of a sweet little cub to a inconquerable beast is done. He takes what was once taken from him, by force. And, in a circle of life, he becomes the monster, he once dreaded the most. The one who caused her proginator so much pain & suffering. And, he leaves his mark by killing the previous offsprings of his mate and by impregnating her by his seed that "he' is THE BEAST now and must be feared, "loved" , revered, respected.In a full-circle, nature turns prey to predator. Nature feeds on itself.the good must always do good regardless of all the hardships, injustice it endures.the bad must continue to do evil to contrast the good.In a complex and inexplicable chain of events that take place between good and evil, beauty, love, courage, honor, sacrifice, duty find their place much like vanity, lust, greed, sloth, brutality and injustice.Life is not fair. So, is nature. And, get in all its unfairness and ugliness, beauty and love can survive, thrive and prosper in its purest form.We may never be able to eradicate the ugliness of nature from this Earth but at least we can preserve its beauty and love within us and pass it on to our future selves so that they don't give up so easily.